When my daughter wed and left home, I felt a part of me left. With a daughter and a son, I was very happy in my life. When she
was in her teens, I felt as if she was my "physical extension" .
So when she left home to set up her own home, I felt I lost a limb from my body. Next time she came to stay with us for a few days, I was astonished how her priorities had changed. We too must have given the same shocks to our own parents. While she was talking to me, she used the word "Amma" (mother). But that word was not for me. That word referred her "mother in law".
I felt she was always in a hurry to go back to her house and not stay with me for a few more days. That was the first time, I understood that I have to start practicing detachment with attachment.
Two years after my daughter’s marriage, my son left for higher studies to US. Having experienced a child's separation once, I was better equipped emotionally. I became busy with various classes held in the city related to vedanta.
I just wanted to be away from home. Because my husband was a 24/7 workaholic. My son used to write how he was missing my home and the food cooked by me and how he was waiting to come back to live in Chennai with us.
After a few years, he did come back and we got him married. He started living separately with his wife and we were also happy that they wanted to be independent from the beginning. But now, it was all changed !
In the USA, he missed my cooking, now if I called him my home with his wife for a meal, he always says an excuse like "oh, amma, we have other plans for the day, please don't mistake us, if we don't come today" ! I could see that his priorities had also changed completely. We talk so many things and give so much advice to others, but when it comes to our own children, acceptance comes very late.
Our next step is to just leave them undisturbed in every way. It was at that time, that I made the following, my 'new profile'. In all my relationships, I give my best and do my best to live up to what I say. My attachment with them is complete. However, I remain detached in the sense that I do not expect them to reciprocate my affection. I love them too much. But I decided not to expect the same degree of love from them.
Most importantly, I make a conscious effort , not to interfere or pass judgements on the lives they choose to lead. My concern for my beloved people will not fade with my detachment. If you let go of the ones you love, they will never go away – this is the beauty of attachment with detachment !
I have learnt to love and let go. This principle has developed tolerance in me. When I let the people live the way they want to, I learn to accept them for what they are.
Most importantly, I learn to tolerate the world around me and this tolerance brings in me a sense of peace and satisfaction. Since both my children live in Chennai, I follow this very strictly, you know why ! Now I have realised that we start growing mentally much more only after the children leave the house and we have to tackle the emotional vacuum, that arises, along with age-related problems .
I specially dedicate this post to my friends, who are totally dependent on their children's lives, to nurture their own selves emotionally. Please develop your own interests, hobbies etc, however ordinary they seem to be.
We must learn to love whatever we do instead of Doing whatever we love !!
Author: Sudha Murthy, Chairperson, Infosys Foundation
